This is where the trouble starts and stops.
Last semester, one of my son's young teachers used a derrogetory name toward another student in one of my son's classes. The comment was relatively benign, not directed toward my son and was in keeping with common peer language used between students. It was NOT appropriate for a teacher to use.
I knew nothing of the comment or statement for weeks. He said nothing, divulged nothing and asked nothing but his grade in that particular class began to suffer. He was failing one of his favorite classes. That he was failing was surprise enough - but in his favorite class as well as the one he's most proud to be and excel in (because it has no accomodations) was a triple quandry.
In an effort to help him and discover what had changed to bring about this new pattern of failure I asked, "Is everything okay in ---- class?" My son matter of factly told me what had happened and I was shocked; both at his detached attitude toward it and my intense and instant rage toward the same.
Later, when I had calmed down some I asked a few more questions. My son answered them all with the same technical expertise that I love so much about him and also said, "I just can't listen to her (his teacher's) voice any more.
So this simple and seemingly inert comment made toward one student - not even my own - had in seconds deteriorated the entire spectrum of trust that both my son had worked to establish on her behalf and that the teacher had unknowingly created on his behalf.
She said one slightly cruel, completely inappropriate and very immature word . . . and every shred of trust, security and integrity were simultaneously lost.
My son could no longer place value on anything she said or might say regardless of what it concerned; schoolwork, casual conversations, necessary instruction. It was all gone.
I'm sure the teacher did not intentionally destroy the faith of my student and would never do so intentionally toward any other student. But this is the difficult part of being in a classroom with so many different students. You never know how what you say is going to affect each and every person in your audience. With so many cultures, backgrounds and social elements in the mix, guessing the outcome of every single action would be practically impossible. Even under the best circumstances and removing every possible mis-step I doubt that any teacher could eliminate every negative interpretation of every word and action he or she chose to display.
Further, my son's reaction should not be restricted or assigned to the fact that he has Asperger's. Nobody enjoys being treated poorly - ever. No matter in jest, fun, by peers, superiors or whomever. Asperger's had nothing to do with this, the teacher did. She made a poor choice and lost credibility. Everyone's done something similar at one time or another.
The part about this whole scenario that Asperger's did have something to do with was my son's ability to tell me exactly what happened and then link his reaction to a specific moment in time where his perception of his teacher shifted. These are facts and therefore easy to determine using logical means. I asked, he told. he wasn't afraid of social retributuion because it's a very difficult concept for him to understand. He also didn't consider peer perceptions. This is another area that even if he did completely get it - he wouldn't really care.
Since he told me about his teacher's comment, my son's grades have improved. I was able to talk to him and the administrators at his school to find a way to try and reinstate some integrity for this young teacher, provide a learning experience to her and allow my son to find a path around this huge obstacle that trust creates or removes.
I wonder how many students were affected who just didn't say anything - to anyone.
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