Asperger's and Illness

I feel as though I have never been good at determining when my son is not feeling well. He doesn't tell me. He just goes on with his day - feels crappy and behaves badly. I am not sure if he knew when he felt bad when he was little. How could he with so little to compare his physical feeling to an no tangible link as to why illness came when it did? He needs that link after all - so it makes sense.

Not only does he not complain when he feels poorly, he doesn't typically display any signs of being ill like a fever, a cough, a runny nose. Of course, if it's a severe enough illness like the flu or something, there is no mistaking his symptoms, but colds and other minor maladies . . . nothing. The health issue that most typically affected my son was an ear infection. With these (as well as sinus infections) there is not always outward displays - until they get pretty bad. Where my son was concerned, the way I began to really know that he wasn't feeling well was when he begins behaving differently that I know he is supporting some virus or bacteria. They tend to bring out his obnocious side. So many times as a little boy I only knew he was sick when he got mouthy or overly defensive.
I suppose we all lose our ability to tolerate situations a bit when we are not feeling well. We lose our patience and our stamina. My son is no different. He loses his ability to make those learned decisions about what an appropriate reaction might look like and says the first words that come to mind. Often and because he doesn't feel well (he crabby) they aren't the best choice.
Instead, he worries. He asks 'questions like: "Will I die?", "Will I be like this forever?" and "What if I don't get better?"
-All extremely legitimate and concerning.

As a teenager he deals with illness or any physical symptom - the same way he approaches all other curiosities - with research! He makes a list, checks his symptoms against it and then rules out ailments through reason and investigation.
Unfortunately, this leads to a fair amount of hypochondria. In an world where the internet provides daily proof that nobody is really sure what is going on or why, the incomplete data surrounding just about everything, seems to ensure that we are left not with a better understanding than we had before we went looking for answers as we believe the internet should be able to provide, but a complete and utter lack of any concrete or definitive information that we can ascribe to our situation, ailment or condition.
He could have anything from a very quick and lethal cancer, to a mosquito bite. Usually, he worries that it's something really bad - because how can anyone be sure in a world where the whole of the internet could be a possibility?

My son is older now (still just a teenager) but he still navigates his life through the portal of the internet. He is less likely to ask if he might be a diabetic when he is simply exhausted. He is less prone to believing all that makes him sure he will one day become a hefty and sickly human - would this were possible from his 5'9" - 125lb, intensely active frame.

Stress tends to bring out the hypochondriac in him. When he worries, it's hard to stop somewhere. When he concentrates as he worries, his ideas grow. As he follows his thought pattern they become larger than him. Unfortunately, the same capabilities and aptitudes that make him one of the best problem solvers that I have ever met, also make him the worst worrier about his health ever.

Growing up with Asperger's

Today is September 15th - his 16th birthday. It's hard to believe that my son is 16 years old today. He's an amazing young man and I'm so proud of him.

He started his day like all the rest with a shower, toast and cheese, a cup of tea and a quick check of the weather and financial markets.
He found his "Thursday shirt" and got dressed, put on his shoes and then to my great surprise, asked to stay home from school. I said, "No" - I mean, what would that sort of disruption do to his schedule and ultimately to his routine? They would be annihilated and he would be stressed and unhappy. I don't think he actually wanted me to say "Yes."
When I offered him a ride to school he said that he likes his routine of taking the bus and that it's important to him to stick to what he does everyday.

He is happy today. He received a bunch of 'Happy Birthday"'s on his Facebook page all viewed on his new laptop which means he has a new to play with.

Tonight - he will need a comfortable dinner (no sauces or mixed up foods), vanilla cake with vanilla frosting and some time alone to do his homework. This is his routine. Special days mean this has to happen even more than on ordinary days because he's anticipated them more. Doing something out of the ordinary is easier for him to accept when he hasn't considered his day yet - if it's just any old day.

I would have thought that like most teenagers he would be driving by now, but he's not really interested in it. His exact words were, "I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Can I wait?" Of course I told him that there is no law that states that anybody must learn how to drive. I explained that he can wait as long as he wants to, btu that eventually, it would become necessary so that he could go to and from a job or school.

Even so, can you believe it? How many other 16 year-olds have the self-awareness to realize that they aren't ready to deal with the randomness  and unpredictability of other drivers, the chaos of traffic and the multi-tasking skills required to navigate city streets full of bikes, cars, buses, pedestrians and the like? I'm not ready on most days. The fact that he realizes that he's not ready to deal with this at his age is so amazing to me. I'm sure that part of his reluctance has to do with simple fear of the unknown. But another big part is that he is looking at the larger picture.

He understands so much more than some kids his age do - as well as a few grown-ups I've met.

I Can't Do That Right Now

These words come from my son lately. They are his new defense . . . his new way of explaining why he needs to stick to his routine as opposed to veer from familiarity . . . or why he can't seem to find the means to add something new into his wardrobe.
Last week, I bought him a new pair of jeans in an effort to add a pair that wasn't stained with paint from last year's Art class or too short from last year's growth to be acceptable.
He won't wear them. He won't even try them on.

"I can't do that right now." These are the words I heard last week, last night and this morning when I asked if he would try them on so I know if they're going to be long enough (or if I need to take them back and exchange them for a different size).

The whole delay is my fault. I know better than to try new things with him - especially where clothes are concerned. I know that once I (he) finds something that works for him I should never attempt to add an alternative or change it - but I did. For some reason I believed I had to. He was growing and my wallet was shrinking so it was time for a new purchasing framework. I bought a different manufacturer of jeans in an effort to save $25. At this point, it would be worth the $25 I saved to have him in a pair of jeans that didn't terminally appear as though they were just exhumed from the depths of the laundry basket or the gutter. At this point, I'd pay $25 if I didn't have to hear, "I can't do that right now."

This morning there were no clean jeans; only the new pair still with the tags on them. I offered them as a plausible alternative knowing that there was none it only existed in my twisted mind. His response was, "I don't know if I'm going to like them" and that said it all.
It told me that school was one place where comfort really is essential because so much that's uncomfortable is going on he can't afford to give any up to clothing issues. And you know how new things are. Sometimes when you put them on they feel great just because they're different and after you wear them a while you realize that some aspect of their construction is irritating the crap out of you and there's not a thing you can do about it but undress - which isn't at all appropriate.
He was right to make this choice. He was completely correct to acknowledge his concerns and he is still right wait for a time when he has the wherewith all to deal with the issues that a new pair of jeans potentially contains without having to try and balance the demands of a new school year, new classes, new teachers and new subjects.
He doesn't care that he has a small wardrobe and he doesn't care if his peers see him in the same clothes twice in one week. He honestly doesn't care so long as he's comfortable.

I wish I had that type of self-awareness. I don't. I just accept that I have to do things that I don't want to. I blindly accept all of them simultaneously and in total. All of them - big and small. Whether it's eating what's on my plate or working at a job that is miserably unsatisfying on multiple levels or wearing uncomfortable clothing. It's what I do. I wish that I had learned to say, "I can't do that right now" at some point in my life, but it was never an option. I think I would be happier if I were just a little bit selfish on a few occasions. I know my feet would be happier if I threw out that one pair of shoes that really hurt after about 30 minutes of wear and I know I would feel better if I didn't try to eat yogurt from time to time believing for some reason that it's supposed to be good for me when it typically leaves me feeling nauseous, but I won't. I'm stuck with the shoes and the containers of yogurt that sit in my fridge - all of it.
 . . . not ot mention the drawer full of jeans and only two or three pair that I actually wear.