My son is a teenager and in the second semester of his second year at college.
He's new to it, but he is also determined and will find his way to success on his own terms.
My husband is over fifty, an academic and on faculty at the same college.
Say no more.
The two of them are like oil and water most days; generationally, culturally, and philosophically.
I am the carafe that holds them in contact with one another.
It's a tough job.
The three of us have very different perspectives, yet we must co-mingle in some places. Inevitably, two of us form a pair and one of us plays the Outlier. Sometimes all three of us must try to arrive from our own perspectives at one common place. This is always the hardest task regardless the topic from the silly or mundane to those more important. Lately, and because my son is in college, we are attempting to determine what 'success' means to each of us - and find some common ground. We don't even agree on where that is most days. . .
What or how adamantly to apply that label to - well . . . anything is no small chore and demands diplomacy levels and patience on par with United Nations negotiations. Our lives in this space become too closely bonded and we crash wildly and headstrong into one another in sort of the way I would imagine asteroids plow into planets and the effects those impacts have on the other. Except there are three of us. More planets, more asteroids, more collisions, more damage, more change.
Are you beginning to get the magnitude of such a small definition?
Because we hold differing points of view, the routes from which we arrive at like points have vastly different paths. These days our individual definitions of 'success' are like three different maps of three different countries in three different languages. We have different origins, we have different ideas about what 'success' looks like, acts like and where it lives.
Have you ever been to one of those painting parties where you and your friends all attempt to re-paint your personal copy of the same picture? None of them ever look the same at the end. Yet, somehow they all turn out just right for whomever painted it? It's kind of like that for the three of us. Except the subject of success and who gets to define it for whom seems to be a hot button. Whereas art appreciation? Not so much. At least not in our family.
What the last six months has taught me is; despite that we have each arrived at the same "Paint 'n' Party" destination out of necessity is that 'telephone' is a real game. And we play it every day whether we intend to or not.
How could all of us be so alike and so different at the same? Individuality is a beautiful thing. Most times.
At this party one of us doesn't want to have anything to do with the painting party - only feels obligated to be there and spends time looking up "painting" in the dictionary as though the rest of us are ignorant as to what we are doing, The other doesn't really like painting or getting their hands dirty so is making an online tutorial to post on YouTube complete with painting examples, places to purchase paints, an assortment of brushes and their best applications along with the comments from others. And finally, the third is just looking at all the dried out paints, the shoddy brushes they've been provided and is secretly trying to think of the best way to transform the overused, garage sale fodder of an example into something that they may actually want to display somewhere - otherwise, it's a monumental waste of time.
Our definitions of 'Success' stop being similar immediately after we move beyond the point that we use the same alpha characters to represent the idea and they are in the same order.
S U C C E S S
At least two of us do, the third thinks in a language other than English.
I know, it's complicated, right?
More important, before the three of us arrived here, we did not understand why any of this was important - so it's been a long road for each of us. We were each simply 'right' and never doubted our understanding - ever.
Our mutual and different ideas are so hard to reconcile because they are all correct and appropriate. Yet, does that mean that they have to be mutually inclusive? or exclusive? I don't believe it does. I'm afraid that this is another area where we have a hard time agreeing.
For a while I wasn't convinced that these definitions needed to be reconciled, I now believe they might - for the sake of revealing expectations (and protecting my sanity). This task gives me reason to consider whose definition is most important - which I haven't been able to figure out. That idea might be incorrect. I don't see why one needs to be more important than another. They are all important and relevant. I believe it might be more necessary to understand and accept one another's terms than it is to fall in line behind one and disregard the others. This is still a democracy, right?
Is there no room for interpretation?
What is art without interpretation?
We are three headstrong, opinionated and individual people so this will be the most difficult aspect of this process. For each of us, a certain amount of compromise will be required. Not one of us, or two of us, but each of us in part must be willing to both concede, respect and accept.
The difficult part as a parent is being agile enough to move from being an active decision implementer in a child's' life to being only an influencer. In other words, I (we) cannot expect to tell our son what to do any longer. He is 20 years old. I can only give him guidance, tell him my experiences and let him know that I support what ever he chooses - then let him go free to make his own choices.
This is a lot harder for my husband who sees things in much more pragmatic and linear terms - as well as obligatory - when they are necessarily bound to the strings (bridge cables) of the bank account that pays our son's way through this educational maze.
He so badly wants to be able to make demands and require certain behaviors because he offers financial support. Sometimes he can and then he is happy. But much of the time he cannot and it irritates him to the point of apoplexy. He hates that he cannot coerce and control how is his intentions are valued by others.
My son is 20. He is Autistic. He made the decision to go away to college on his own. He decided, with help from advisers, which classes to take and what his area of study would be. He made it through the first year of school on his own terms. He passed all his classes and joined a Bible Study group and held a student job on campus. He worked very hard at making friends. He diligently attended every sporting, social, academic and entertainment and or health-club event that the school and community offered. Sometimes at the sacrifice of his grades - but he did it. His priority was to make friends and be strong enough to leave my home. He didn't especially care about his grades so long as he passed. What he really wanted was friends. He went to college to learn to make friends. Most of us learn this in kindergarten. My son has been struggling with this all his life. I suppose he decided to accomplish this AND a college curriculum.
He made it.
He still needs help remembering to do his laundry, take out the trash or turn in homework and papers and projects. He refuses to remember to bring plates, glasses and half-eaten snacks back to the kitchen from wherever he was when he ate them. He doesn't understand why putting a dirty fork in his desk drawer or the remains of his meal in his backpack or pockets and leaving it there for an eternity presents any sort of a problem - sanitary, organizational or otherwise.
He will probably always need the support of someone. Who of us doesn't really? Isn't it always nicer to have someone baking us up? Despite how capable we are?
These days, he is happiest when he finds that he actually can cope with problems, find solutions and work through trouble - on his own as much as possible. If he cannot, he knows he can call. we'll be there. we may not agree, but we'll be there as best we can.
Yes, I understand that clinically, Autism is a disorder. But Autism isn't always a functional disorder. Sometimes, it seems to me as though, Autism is really a functional difference. Sometimes, we (the neuro-typical) are those with the largest deficit to understanding. This means that we are the ones with the disorder. We are the group who lack understanding and struggle to rationalize behavior. Have you ever thought how struggling with a disability feels to one who embodies that situation? I'm certain this there is frustration, but there is likely far more acceptance than we permit.
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