TAKS Tension

All I asked was that he wear a clean shirt. Not one that he's worn, slept in and or retrieved from the laundry basket after a few days. This morning, of all mornings, needed to go well and it just didn't.

I feel horrible about it. Awful in fact, for not being intuitive enough to choose my battles more wisely, sad that I didn't have the ability to see the bigger perspective regarding the contents of the day (mine as well as his) before I decided to stab my battle flag into the ground and gulity because he may have a terrible day at school in part because I wouldn't let him simply wear a dirty shirt to school on practice TAKS day.

My son has never been overly concerned about what he wears. Well, let me explain that another way. He is not concerned about the same criteria that I might be focused on. He has a set of 'acceptable' shirts that he prefers. Delineating a shirt 'acceptable' or 'comfortable' makes it simultaneously impossible for my son to consider wearing one of the alternative shirts that quietly wait in his dresser drawer. In the most basic terms, he flatly refuses to wear any others. He would rather miss school than wear a alternative shirt - which is saying quite a bit if you understand how important his daily school routine is. This and his shirt routine must coexist.
As long as he's got one of his 'acceptable' shirts - he's fine. He doesn't care if it's dirty, paint-stained from Art class, damp, smelly, wrinkled or some other form of unclean that I haven't considered. If it's one of the good ones - it's all good. At least as far as he's concerned.
For me, it's different.

I typically insist that he wear a clean shirt. It's simple really. One clean shirt each and every new day. He has five or six in his acceptable stack so finding one that is both clean and acceptable shouldn't be a problem. Except that yesterday it was.
I've been busy. For some reason, I forgot to ask if he had a clean shirt before he went to bed last night. Such a minor oversight and one with such faar-reaching potential to create chaos. My son's whole day could be irreversibly shattered - all because of a simple laundry oversight. But nothing about this is simple. He can't just cope, wear a different shirt, choose and alternative, make due for a day, or deal with some textile outlier for the sake of making either his life, my life or the lives of the other residents in the house any easier. He doesn't seem to have the resilience and or capacity to understand that just a little flexibilty provides greater control.
Because; a.) Control is black and white. It either is or it isn't. b.) We all have criteria. Just because eveyone doesn't understand it, doesn't make it irrelevent. and c.) It's not my shirt, my day or my TAKS test.

I lost sight of what was important; getting my son through a diffficult day intact and with a sense of accomplishment and maybe even success. I lost sight of the big picture.
My son didn't. He kept his focus and fought for it even at the risk of placing his concentration in jeopardy on a very important day. But something tells me that my son will get over this set-back much sooner than I will.

Lost Trust

Trust is a huge issue for any of us. For my son, it's the only issue. Trust means that information is correct. It means that events are predictable. It means that everything else might also be accurate - but not necessarily. So when it's gone. It's completely gone an almsot impossible to reinstate.

As well, there are no grey areas in language. My son believes that people should either choose to say something that they literally mean - or not. Suggestion, alluding to or inferring information or ideas and thoughts simply makes no sense to him. He takes most of what he hears as literal statements of truth.
This is where the trouble starts and stops.

Last semester, one of my son's young teachers used a derrogetory name toward another student in one of my son's classes. The comment was relatively benign, not directed toward my son and was in keeping with common peer language used between students. It was NOT appropriate for a teacher to use.
I knew nothing of the comment or statement for weeks. He said nothing, divulged nothing and asked nothing but his grade in that particular class began to suffer. He was failing one of his favorite classes. That he was failing was surprise enough - but in his favorite class as well as the one he's most proud to be and excel in (because it has no accomodations) was a triple quandry.

In an effort to help him and discover what had changed to bring about this new pattern of failure I asked, "Is everything okay in  ---- class?" My son matter of factly told me what had happened and I was shocked; both at his detached attitude toward it and my intense and instant rage toward the same.
Later, when I had calmed down some I asked a few more questions. My son answered them all with the same technical expertise that I love so much about him and also said, "I just can't listen to her (his teacher's) voice any more.

So this simple and seemingly inert comment made toward one student - not even my own - had in seconds deteriorated the entire spectrum of trust that both my son had worked to establish on her behalf and that the teacher had unknowingly created on his behalf.
She said one slightly cruel, completely inappropriate and very immature word . . . and every shred of trust, security and integrity were simultaneously lost.
My son could no longer place value on anything she said or might say regardless of what it concerned; schoolwork, casual conversations, necessary instruction. It was all gone.

I'm sure the teacher did not intentionally destroy the faith of my student and would never do so intentionally toward any other student. But this is the difficult part of being in a classroom with so many different students. You never know how what you say is going to affect each and every person in your audience. With so many cultures, backgrounds and social elements in the mix, guessing the outcome of every single action would be practically impossible. Even under the best circumstances and removing every possible mis-step I doubt that any teacher could eliminate every negative interpretation of every word and action he or she chose to display.
Further, my son's reaction should not be restricted or assigned to the fact that he has Asperger's. Nobody enjoys being treated poorly - ever. No matter in jest, fun, by peers, superiors or whomever. Asperger's had nothing to do with this, the teacher did. She made a poor choice and lost credibility. Everyone's done something similar at one time or another.

The part about this whole scenario that Asperger's did have something to do with was my son's ability to tell me exactly what happened and then link his reaction to a specific moment in time where his perception of his teacher shifted. These are facts and therefore easy to determine using logical means. I asked, he told. he wasn't afraid of social retributuion because it's a very difficult concept for him to understand. He also didn't consider peer perceptions. This is another area that even if he did completely get it - he wouldn't really care.

Since he told me about his teacher's comment, my son's grades have improved. I was able to talk to him and the administrators at his school to find a way to try and reinstate some integrity for this young teacher, provide a learning experience to her and allow my son to find a path around this huge obstacle that trust creates or removes.

I wonder how many students were affected who just didn't say anything - to anyone.

Autism Speaks Transition Tool Kit

What kind of tool kit could possibly prepare me to deal with a loved child who has the possibility of schizophrenia to look forward to?

There is nothing.

However, Autism Speaks has recently assembled and placed online a fairly comprehensive Autism Tool Kit for children and families of children affected by Autism who are between the ages of 14 and 22. I might find helpful - or at least parts of it.

If nothing more, the toolkit will at least remind me that there are resources that I know of that are supposed to provide help, advice and services that I might need one day.
It's a little short in the legal advice area(s), but - nothing's perfect.

You may find it helpful too.

You can download the Toolkit for yourself here Autsim Speaks Transition Toolkit

Is it Normal?

This is the question my son asks me more than any other.

"Is it normal?"

No matter the subject or criteria, he needs to know; to establish a baseline, to know he's not the staggeringly different version of a human the he believes he might be because other kids have told him so.

Isn't it just vaguely but profoundly sad that he is so aware of the fact that he can't always tell the difference and most people take similar situations for granted as 'normal'? At least he's learning that maybe he can't trust the entire population of opinions that are launched at him every day by his peers.
What is more sad is that I'm usually so hesitant to describe anything as being 'normal.' Yes, there are behaviors that are more common, traits that are more popular and ideas that are more widely accepted. But 'Normal"? What is that? Really? Down at the foundation of the definition, what is "normal"? I tell him there isn't a 'normal' where Asperger's is concerned because he's so much better than 'normal.' He's definitely not normal. He's so much better.

I have two sons. The oldest has Asperger's and the youngest doesn't. I would hesitate a long time before I called either one of them, "Normal." Unless, of course, you are talking about the most basic human traits; two arms, two legs, torso, head, walking, talking, eating, etc. Neither one of my sons fits in the 'normal' criteria.

My oldest has always been more defiantly different than others. He has consistently challenged my authority, my sensibility and intelligence. He doesn't see a problem with this. He also doesn't understand how it makes people feel to be subjected to it. It seems normal to him that people should simply say what they think; no more and no less. Why would anyone need something different? Shouldn't this be 'normal'?

My youngest, like many siblings of those with Asperger's is wise beyond his years - sometimes beyond mine. He is mature for his age as he tries hard to be the older brother and teach my older son to navigate the social land mines of high school. As well, he is more helpless as he vies for the extremely thin bands of attention that his Mother can provide due to the continuous needs of his older brother. Add to that I'm a single parent and the bands of time become even narrower. Its' difficult for both of us - for all three of us. He wants to be patient but finds it hard in the less sure environment of '13-ville.' He is tolerant and accepting yet rigid and needy. He is a contemplative perfectionist. He is definitely not a normal 13 year old.

And here I try so hard to be a normal parent. Why? Nothing about any of this is normal. It only seems normal to us because it's the only life we know.