Is it Normal?

This is the question my son asks me more than any other.

"Is it normal?"

No matter the subject or criteria, he needs to know; to establish a baseline, to know he's not the staggeringly different version of a human the he believes he might be because other kids have told him so.

Isn't it just vaguely but profoundly sad that he is so aware of the fact that he can't always tell the difference and most people take similar situations for granted as 'normal'? At least he's learning that maybe he can't trust the entire population of opinions that are launched at him every day by his peers.
What is more sad is that I'm usually so hesitant to describe anything as being 'normal.' Yes, there are behaviors that are more common, traits that are more popular and ideas that are more widely accepted. But 'Normal"? What is that? Really? Down at the foundation of the definition, what is "normal"? I tell him there isn't a 'normal' where Asperger's is concerned because he's so much better than 'normal.' He's definitely not normal. He's so much better.

I have two sons. The oldest has Asperger's and the youngest doesn't. I would hesitate a long time before I called either one of them, "Normal." Unless, of course, you are talking about the most basic human traits; two arms, two legs, torso, head, walking, talking, eating, etc. Neither one of my sons fits in the 'normal' criteria.

My oldest has always been more defiantly different than others. He has consistently challenged my authority, my sensibility and intelligence. He doesn't see a problem with this. He also doesn't understand how it makes people feel to be subjected to it. It seems normal to him that people should simply say what they think; no more and no less. Why would anyone need something different? Shouldn't this be 'normal'?

My youngest, like many siblings of those with Asperger's is wise beyond his years - sometimes beyond mine. He is mature for his age as he tries hard to be the older brother and teach my older son to navigate the social land mines of high school. As well, he is more helpless as he vies for the extremely thin bands of attention that his Mother can provide due to the continuous needs of his older brother. Add to that I'm a single parent and the bands of time become even narrower. Its' difficult for both of us - for all three of us. He wants to be patient but finds it hard in the less sure environment of '13-ville.' He is tolerant and accepting yet rigid and needy. He is a contemplative perfectionist. He is definitely not a normal 13 year old.

And here I try so hard to be a normal parent. Why? Nothing about any of this is normal. It only seems normal to us because it's the only life we know.