The falicy of "Parenthood"

I started this post a few weeks ago. I began because I had been watching a popular prime time television show about a family where one of the members has Asperger's. I have mixed feelings about this show. I have from the start. While I think it's great that one of the major networks is attempting to address this really troublesome and potentially dramatic and devastating condition, I also believe that, as usual in films, the whole pretense is so entirely scripted that to those of us who actually live this type of life every day in reality and not on a television set - it's a little insulting.

As with any reality that becomes fit for movie or television screen, some details are dead-on accurate and some are simply miles off target.
For example, sometimes the character that plays the family member with Asperger's gets the literal and vacant comments and awkward social interactions and language interpretations just right. There is an ethereal quality to his lack of concentration and his ability to capture and emit what it's like to live with someone who is more interested in what's going on inside his head than outside it in his environment that is remarkably correct. At the same time, huge discrepancies are more common. The Father will try to reason with his son - and it will work. The Mother will pat her son on the head and the son won't make some sort of guttural noise that means "I don't like people touching me - especially on my head" sound that everyone understands because they've been trying to learn this child's language for their whole lives and still they're not sure. The child will be able to sit down at a dinner table with a large group of family members in an overcrowded and conventionally acceptable holiday room where strangers are also present and it's noisy. And without being distracted by the strangers, intolerant of all the noise and comfortable with the closeness of the group, he sits and eats quietly. Nobody makes him a special meal because he won't eat most of what's on the table. Nobody has to remember that he doesn't like the sound of chewing so they have to turn the music on. Nobody has to remind the child that it's not polite to reach for something on someone else's plate. Nobody has to bring him back to the table twice because he's gone to check the weather. Nobody has to beg him to eat when there are other activities that are so much more interesting.

For most of us who live with children and or adults affected by Asperger's these types of normal behaviors mixed in with those more definitively 'Aspergian' are simply dreams. Every once in a while, our child will make an enormous leap of understanding about a topic that we've been working on with our children for what seems like forever and what is probably closer to years and we melt in the happiness and disbelief that our child's progress creates. Usually, it's just in time. It happens just as we're beginning to wonder if he or she will ever understand what we believe we need them to.

In one of the shows, the family was having company for dinner. As I would think typical, the character affected with Asperger's makes comments that are inappropriate but certainly not as inappropriate as those my own son has made or in public. The parent's reaction is one of surprise and horror. Really? At this point? The character is an older pre-teen and still his own parent (characters) haven't accepted him for who he is or learned to deal with these types of situations by doing a little pre-company work. Like explaining to their guests beforehand that their child has Asperger's and helping them to be prepared? Or better yet, they might actually talk to their child to prepare him or her for the company.

Yes, I know it's a beating. I have actually had to have this discussion so many times it's not funny. For the most part, people don't know what Asperger's is. Imagine! In this day and age. They know of it, but they have absolutely no idea what the label means. It's a total blank because they actually don't want to know..So not only do I have to warn them, I have to educate them. It's a painful process and one that can sound like I'm making excuses for my son when I'm not. I won't.

I guess the last straw, the reason that I was finally compelled to write about my concerns, was that on the last episode I watched, the Mother had an issue with the Mother of her child's peer and in her attempt to solve the issue she invited the other Mother over for sushi and wine while their respective children played - with the occupational aide - and it actually happened; without interruption, without incident and without the need for a complete re-think in strategy or complete cancellation after the event had begun. The Mothers were quietly eating, talking and drinking and the kids were playing - completely occupied with the same task and social engagement as their Mothers.
What I found remarkable was the network expects us to believe that this Mother, the one with the child with Asperger's had time to go shopping, make sushi, clean the house and do her hair. And that the other character (the son) wasn't having a fit about his shirt which was all of a sudden all wrong for no apparent reason, or that he might have simply decided not to participate in the scheduled event and would not be persuaded to change his mind by any means. Or, that the other child-character (also an Aspie) was able to come into a new environment and work with another person (the aide character) without any issues. That neither child suddenly had an issue with anything - like deciding to take his clothes off or going to the kitchen to get a snack or simply abruptly loosing interest in his or her playmate and walking away without any comment to do something more interesting, less social and likely something that would provide hours of distraction to his Mother - who was also able to enjoy her company for at least five minutes without interruption and fix everything with wine and sushi.

Life just isn't like that for us who live in the real Asperger's world. It never has been. It never will be and to imagine it seems an insult. Life with a child affected by Asperger's is a lonely and very unpredictable place. You can try to include normal activities, but for the most part, you have to be prepared for the fact that they may not actually get accomplished, be enjoyable or work out the way you planned. Eventually you will learn not to expect too much and to be happy and surprised when things do work out - when your child has a good day.
Maybe if the character's husband left her because he just couldn't handle raising a child who was different and she was left having to work instead of making sushi, shopping for wine  and hiring occupational therapists the show would seem more accurate. Maybe if not so many episodes had happy endings; maybe - maybe if the siblings didn't always have the maturity of a 40 year-old as teenagers . . . maybe if there wasn't a script.

Life with Asperger's is like having a script in a language you can read and or understand and trying to put on a show anyway. It's chaotic and unpredictable. This is what they should attempt to portray because this is how my life really is - and not just mine. This is as true for my son with Asperger's as it is for my son who is not affected. It's true for our family members when they visit and it's true for everyone who knows us.
I've NEVER had an afternoon where I had the time to invite a friend in for wine and sushi.
Are they kidding?