Holiday Anxiety - Asperger's Style

The Holidays can be difficult for kids with Asperger's. Some people call them 'Aspie's' but my son doesn't really like this. Have you ever asked your child how he or she prefers this be labeled? Mine prefers; no label. You might be surprised at their answer. I thought Jackson might like to know that there was a community of people that he 'fit' inside of as well as a community of people that would willingly accept him as he is - a gifted, very intelligent and unique individual. I forgot that he's also a teenager and very typical in many respects; most important that he doesn't want to stand out as different than his peers. So, when I absolutely cannot think of another way to describe it - I use "Aspie", but I know he doesn't like it.

Most kids with Asperger's have difficulties coloring outside the lines, so to speak. Especially where food choices are concerned. My son is no different. Really, he is no different than any one of us. Everyone has food preferences and differentiating preferences so applying them only to those with diagnosed differences is really wholly unfair. For example, I don't like eggs -or bananas or tofu for that matter. Oh, and shellfish. So I would hate for someone to insist that I try to eat any of these items simply to appear 'normal.' We don't ask this of non-Aspies so why do we ask those with Asperger's?
With that said, I have to qualify that sometimes those with Aspergers's have preferences that stretch the bounds regarding food. My son can't stand the sound of people chewing, but I noticed that in restaurants, it's not as big an issue. Why? When I asked he told me that the background noises (kitchen activities and music) typically drowned out the sound enough that he can tolerate this unavoidable dinner or meal aspect better.
We play dinner music at home now. Works great!!
As well, my son has some more irrational food preferences like: No visible particles (parsley flakes or pepper) in sauces - or better yet - no sauce period, no chunks (visible pieces of onion, green peppers or the like in rice or pasta dishes. Croutons in salad are okay though.), no textural abnormalities (lumps in mashed potatoes and charred, browned exteriors due to barbecuing, frying or roasting or orange juice with pulp), anything with vinegar is definitely out (salads, pickles), and no nuts in anything. So with the holidays coming up, foods like stuffing become a nightmare because they are an amalgamation of everything he doesn't prefer.

We've been invited to a Thanksgiving Pot luck this year. I'm nervous about how it will go. How he'll be received and respected and how my hosts will react to him. There will be many people he doesn't know in a place he's not familiar with. He will likely be asking when we can leave for most of the evening. He won't 'know' what's in the food because I won't have made most of it. Worse, he will likely wholly but unintentionally insult someone by his reaction to at least one item placed before him. I'll end up bringing a few things that he will like to be sure there's something for him other than bread and butter.

So the task before me becomes two-fold. I will have to bridge the gap between informing my hosts that I have a son with Asperger's - a condition they will likely neither understand nor be able to empathize with - and respecting my son's wishes not to be made to feel a foolish, unusual kid in front of new acquaintances (there might be teen aged girls there). It's true, the minute I inform anyone of my son's differentiation - even if it's an attempt by me to help them understand and know him better - be able to accept with greater capacity, they will wield this information like the Hubble Telescope vigorously looking for other areas and markers within his personality that they can use and apply that will accentuate him as different. The result will most likely be that they will see him as a different human instead of seeing him as a alternate human. They won't remember that no one 'fits' the human mold well - even themselves. My grandmother used to say that, "One size fits all means it doesn't 'fit' anyone." She was so right!!! I will socialize less, check on him more and won't really relax until we are able to leave.

As the holidays unfold and most people stress about time tables, travel, gift-giving and the like. I will be buried under pretences of acceptance, community, family, routine and good will. The best gift I could ever receive would be that people see my son for the wonderful, considerate and truly remarkable person he is and stand in awe of the person I know he will become - regardless of whether or not he likes broccoli salad.

I bet no one else will be keeping track of what the other guests food preferences are with binocular-accurate attention.