Certainty

Uncertainty is hard for some people with Asperger's. Whether it's the simple fact of not knowing or not having an answer that is precise enough to satisfy his or her need for exactness is hard to say. Sometimes, I'm sure it's a bit of both and less about the ratio between the two.

For my son, the areas where certainty cannot be compromised center around his social network - of all things. I know. I've been told thousands of times that people with Asperger's are socially delayed or that they somehow aren't as aware of social mechanisms. I'm starting to think that's a bunch of bull because my son's sense of social context is astounding and very developed - especially for a teenager. He just goes about gaining it from a completely different perspective. Maybe from a place that we don't recognize therefore we dismiss it.

Jackson needs to know where his younger brother is all the time. He needs to keep track of where his extended family members are. Are they at work? Is it their day off? Are they traveling and if so where and when will they get there? He just isn't comfortable unless he's sure about where everyone is.
Last week, Jackson's younger brother got sick. He went to the doctor and still wasn't getting any better. He was really sick with a high fever and flu symptoms for almost a week. Jackson was 'uncertain' to say the least. He would ask questions like, "When is he going to get better?" or "Is he going to die?" He needed to know - to be certain  - that his social network (the one that centers around the existence of his younger brother was and would always be intact.

For years prior to this my oldest son was physically incapable of letting his younger brother (age 12) go outside to play with his friends unless Jackson (age 15) could either, a). hear them in the yard or, b). see his brother with his own eyes. If his brother went to a friends house for a sleepover, Jackson would call his brother at least every five minutes to check on him - to make sure he was okay, that he was where he was supposed to be and to be certain that his brother wasn't in any danger. (After all, you just can't trust any old parent simply because they're a parent.) Somehow, my oldest believed that it was he who allowed the youngest to leave the house - albeit with a cell phone in hand - and interact with children other than his brother. It was a huge concession on the oldest's part - or so he thought. He would much rather have ridden his bike over to see for himself - to be certain - every 15 minutes if necessary.
He didn't care that this made life very difficult and embarrassing for his brother. His perspective and his certainty were all that mattered to him. His brother is that important to him. And Jackson would move mountains to be 'certain' that his brother is happy and close by.

So . . . what I'm wondering is how this young man with Asperger's - the one who is supposed to be socially inept in some way - is able to have such enormous outward concern for his brother. A concern beyond what most teen aged siblings either typically express or ever admit to in any social platform. And as well, that he is able to do so out loud, in public, with an almost venomous empathy and devotion and without any reservation or pretense. How is he so able to be so social and be so good at it when this is supposed to be the area that he struggles with most.
Maybe it's not him who struggles to communicate socially, but me who has been struggling to understand his methods.